Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
People in love make me want to vomit
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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