Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
The feeling are messing with the penis
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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