clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
