You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
