Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
