I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
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