the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I supernannyed him into submission
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
