I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you told grandpa to call you daddy
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
