I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
