Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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