Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
