I'm gonna have a badass scar
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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