he was CRYING into my vagina
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
