im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
That's when you crack a 10am beer
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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