It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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