The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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