last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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