So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
