At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
