dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Randomize