We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
