I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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