FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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