I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
