What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
