Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
