god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize