ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
