I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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