So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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