Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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