my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
