I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
