My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
