I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
