I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
