I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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