my mouth tastes like poor choices
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
