I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
My liver just broke up with me...
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
