I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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