Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
