she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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