I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
