what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
