She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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