Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize