So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
