I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
