if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Randomize