You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
It's never too late to be topless.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
