I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
