I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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