There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
