i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
