Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
