Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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