I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
