we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
