Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
