Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
