I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Just invented taco cereal.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
