Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
there was a trapeze. enough said
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
