4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
