I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
