There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
