the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
