Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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