I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Holy sore nipples Batman
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
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