you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
