So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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