i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
